Fast Five: Slow Down, Speed Kills

Fast & Furious 5 Movie Poster

If you want to see a movie with high-speed chases, gun fights, and a large dose of testosterone, you should see the A-Team movie (movie poster below). It is now on DVD. But, if you want to see all of this take place in fast cars, with furious drivers, and a heist to steal money "one last time", then you need to see the Fast Five, coming out April 29, 2011 (movie poster above).

A-Team movie poster

I think I understand. The magic number for Hollywood is now five. The secret used to be three. As long as one movie can be stretched into three, it has been given a green light from Hollywood Executives. Behind those Armani glasses, you can now see green eyes, from the dollar signs that the Fast Five will be raking in. Hollywood's new trilogy is a quintilogy.

Recurring actors in the Fast Five are: Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, Jordana Brewster, Tyrese Gibson, & Ludacris.

But first, does anyone know what happened to this cast back at movie #3 (Tokyo Drift)? The only person from the actors above that even made a cameo, was Vin Diesel, and it was just a cameo at the end of the film. I guess the money wasn't in it for the actors. Yes, I do realize the movie took place in Tokyo, but the setting is not much of a limiting factor these days.

Then there was Fast & Furious (#4). According to Wikipedia, this was the first of the F&F movies that actually put more emphasis on American muscle cars than the imports. Dominic (character played by Vin Diesel) races with his modified 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle.

And in Fast Five (movie #5), Dwayne Johnson is the FBI agent assigned to track down Dominic and his street team during their Rio Heist. The trailer makes sure to capture Vin Diesel saying, "This is our last job, and then we will disappear forever [until the next film]." This will be the first of the films to be in IMAX theaters. Bring excedrin, because watching fast cars in 3D may 'cause brain hemmorhaging.

I have the idea all ready for the next movie, called The Slow Six. The movie takes place on the German Autobahnen . All cars are driving so fast, that Dominic has to create a team of drivers to slow down in order to steal the money "one last time". The catch is that the drug lords are transporting the money on a heavily guarded envoy of heavy machinery equipment, traveling at 25 m.p.h. Dominic has to ditch the fast cars, and hijack Caterpillars, dump trucks and cement mixers in order to take on the drug lords.

Just know this - if you are going to make a sixth movie, Charlie Sheen* is now available to join the cast. He only has one speed. One gear. Go.

Charlie Sheen is ready to film F&F 6.

*Charlie Sheen's "Torpedo of Truth Tour" may be coming to a city near you. View Tour cities and dates here.